So, on Friday evening we told C about the fact that Aunt and Uncle had decided that it would be best for her to stay here as she wanted. We were very clear in saying that the first step in getting adopted has happened, but that the courts have to decide if we are the best home and that they may look for family first. I have told her that G'ma has said she could stay and Aunt and Uncle have said that, but the courts have the final say. She was SO OVERJOYED. It was awesome. Again, she was mostly unwilling to hear the part about possibly not staying, stating later that night in her prayers that it was a 99.9% chance. The things she hears sometimes!
Anyway, we took her to a movie at church on Saturday morning and a friend from her group invited her to spend the night and to just leave church and start the day with them. We agreed to it and she went to spend the day and night with one of her 2 best friends. We would pick her up as we always do after first service at church so that she could help teach the 4 year old class with Daddy and I.
I picked up a pretty angry daughter. She said she had fun. She rubbed it in my face that her friend's mom makes home made scones and home made icecream and I don't. She was very ANGRY. We let it go at church but by the time we were walking to the car, I had to confront her. I told her that her attitude was entirely unacceptable. In the car, she was goating and rude to the babies. Again, I had to stop her and suggested she go to her room and get her family face on when she came out.
I made lunch while she listened to the radio in her room. When I told Dad the specifics of her behavior, he went up to see if she wanted to talk it through. She didn't. She said "Things are NEVER ok." THat was all she would say. She chose not to come down for lunch. I went up and told her it was hard to understand how she could be so angry at me when the last we spoke we were talkign about going to Disneyland and her being adopted. She had nothing to say. I asked her if she was ready to be with the family. She wasn't. I moved her onto the green couch with a journal and told her when she was ready, she can get off.
I can not figure it out. I know she is tired, but this isn't just tired. This is mean, hurtful, angry behavior. Is it that she was with her friend and now misses her sister more? Is she processing the finality of adoption? Is she comparing us to the other family and seeing that we aren't perfect? It sucks. Whatever it is, it sucks. I told her that it makes me not want to let her spend the night if this is the way I will be treated afterwards.
We will see how long she stays there. Sh eis one strong willed child. I think it will be most of the afternoon, just to make a point. I don't know what else to do. I will not be offering her any more food until dinner. If she choses not to participate, that is her choice but I will not be re-fixing any meals or rewarding the behavior with snacks.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
OMG Part 2
So this Saturday we have a meeting with bio grandma and a different aunt. It is set at a park near their home which is no where near ours. I make a potatoe salad the night before and get melons, soda, juice, pretzels and hotdogs so we can Q it up and enjoy some extended time there.
We are to meet at 11:30. We left a message on G'ma's phone on Thrs and then again on Friday. No returned calls. WE were nervous as to if they were coming. Well, let's just say that at 12:30, J calls G'ma's phone and she ANSWERS. She said she lost our numbers, didn't check her machines, was there the week before waiting for us and that she would stop what she was doing and come. By 2:20, they were not there. My tots had pink cheeks and were SO ready for naps. We loaded up one upset C and headed out the parking lot... only to have C leap up in the back seat as she spots G'ma and Aunt pulling up in their car. J cast me a look like, " NOW WHAT??". We turned around and J drove around and occupied the tots in the car for the next 1.5 hours while me and C did a shorter version of a visit. C was SO elated to see them. They took jewelry off of their necks and things off their key rings to give her. It was... crazy. I was tolerant. I was exhausted. I had plans to do laundry and get ready for the Super Bowl party the next day but C was so let down so it all got put aside. And then, through it all, Dad and I were the bad guys for making the visit end after 1.5 hours with the tots buckled in car seats. It is funny how the bio G'ma can do no wrong. She did defend us having to leave, which I really appreciated.
Later that evening, I took C for a Blizzard. She was obviously more moody than normal, up and down with the emotions and understandably so. I asked her if "inappropriate" things were said by her grandma to her and her siblings as E had indicated a few nights prior. She told me that they were told that bio mom would get out of jail, clean up, and then go and get all the kids back and they would all live with G'ma happily ever after. She didn't understand why this was inappropriate. I explained that it was not possible because once a child is adopted, no bio mom can come and reclaim the child. Adoptions are forever, and forever, the adopted child will have 2 moms. She was upset. A and D, the sibs, have been told this same lie. They are all "counting" on this lie to come true. What kid doesn't want their bio mom to love them SO MUCH that they give up all they know to just love and take care of the kids?? Of course. But to be told it could happen is a totally different thing.
As she cried, we talked. She said that she didn't really want to live with her bio mom. She wants to live with us but be able to spend the weekends there sometimes. With her mom now getting close to being released, I felt I should confront this "dream." I told her it could not happen and why. I explained that we are entrusted to keep C safe and that her mom has a history that is unsafe. So then she asked if she could spend the night with bio G'ma. It was the same answer. She cried as I held her and she asked why God didn't bring us together through happy times instead of these bad ones? Of course, I had no answer. Poor kid.
Later that night, she seemed to be much better. She had released the emotions. I asked her if she still wanted to be adopted by us and she informed me that it was just a stupid question. She does.
The meeting with Aunt E was very revealing on the dealings with bio G'ma and the history there. I did softly confront G'ma on some of it and got really sketchy behaviors from her. She was defensive without being attacked. SHe just "doesn't know what she did wrong". I can't believe that. What is it about people not willing to take ownership? She blames AUnt E for everything saying C was in a prison but when C was turned over to Aunt E in second grade, C was vomitting from the stress created through all the moves and uncertainty and violence and drugs that she had experienced. Yet all of C's issues are on AUnt E?? Why do they even bother with the blame game??
Anyway, adoption of a child is adoption of a whole set of new relatives, really. So it is REALLY interesting when they are so unrelatable in many ways but hold such value to a little girl.
J, behaviorist, want to shoot me an email on how I should be dealing with the fact that bio mom is getting out in a few months?? C desperately wants to see her. She is aware that she will NEVER be left alone with her while she lives under our roof and why. Should we allow her to see her or not?? How do we prepare her either way??
We are to meet at 11:30. We left a message on G'ma's phone on Thrs and then again on Friday. No returned calls. WE were nervous as to if they were coming. Well, let's just say that at 12:30, J calls G'ma's phone and she ANSWERS. She said she lost our numbers, didn't check her machines, was there the week before waiting for us and that she would stop what she was doing and come. By 2:20, they were not there. My tots had pink cheeks and were SO ready for naps. We loaded up one upset C and headed out the parking lot... only to have C leap up in the back seat as she spots G'ma and Aunt pulling up in their car. J cast me a look like, " NOW WHAT??". We turned around and J drove around and occupied the tots in the car for the next 1.5 hours while me and C did a shorter version of a visit. C was SO elated to see them. They took jewelry off of their necks and things off their key rings to give her. It was... crazy. I was tolerant. I was exhausted. I had plans to do laundry and get ready for the Super Bowl party the next day but C was so let down so it all got put aside. And then, through it all, Dad and I were the bad guys for making the visit end after 1.5 hours with the tots buckled in car seats. It is funny how the bio G'ma can do no wrong. She did defend us having to leave, which I really appreciated.
Later that evening, I took C for a Blizzard. She was obviously more moody than normal, up and down with the emotions and understandably so. I asked her if "inappropriate" things were said by her grandma to her and her siblings as E had indicated a few nights prior. She told me that they were told that bio mom would get out of jail, clean up, and then go and get all the kids back and they would all live with G'ma happily ever after. She didn't understand why this was inappropriate. I explained that it was not possible because once a child is adopted, no bio mom can come and reclaim the child. Adoptions are forever, and forever, the adopted child will have 2 moms. She was upset. A and D, the sibs, have been told this same lie. They are all "counting" on this lie to come true. What kid doesn't want their bio mom to love them SO MUCH that they give up all they know to just love and take care of the kids?? Of course. But to be told it could happen is a totally different thing.
As she cried, we talked. She said that she didn't really want to live with her bio mom. She wants to live with us but be able to spend the weekends there sometimes. With her mom now getting close to being released, I felt I should confront this "dream." I told her it could not happen and why. I explained that we are entrusted to keep C safe and that her mom has a history that is unsafe. So then she asked if she could spend the night with bio G'ma. It was the same answer. She cried as I held her and she asked why God didn't bring us together through happy times instead of these bad ones? Of course, I had no answer. Poor kid.
Later that night, she seemed to be much better. She had released the emotions. I asked her if she still wanted to be adopted by us and she informed me that it was just a stupid question. She does.
The meeting with Aunt E was very revealing on the dealings with bio G'ma and the history there. I did softly confront G'ma on some of it and got really sketchy behaviors from her. She was defensive without being attacked. SHe just "doesn't know what she did wrong". I can't believe that. What is it about people not willing to take ownership? She blames AUnt E for everything saying C was in a prison but when C was turned over to Aunt E in second grade, C was vomitting from the stress created through all the moves and uncertainty and violence and drugs that she had experienced. Yet all of C's issues are on AUnt E?? Why do they even bother with the blame game??
Anyway, adoption of a child is adoption of a whole set of new relatives, really. So it is REALLY interesting when they are so unrelatable in many ways but hold such value to a little girl.
J, behaviorist, want to shoot me an email on how I should be dealing with the fact that bio mom is getting out in a few months?? C desperately wants to see her. She is aware that she will NEVER be left alone with her while she lives under our roof and why. Should we allow her to see her or not?? How do we prepare her either way??
OMG Part 1
So we did have our meeting with Aunt and Uncle. They invited us into their home and made every effort to make us comfortable. The house was as clean as I think it may ever get, all dogs outside, and the front door open to air out the smoke. They had made their decision the night of the meeting at T Stone. They just needed some information about how we viewed a few things to confirm their decision. We were NOT asked about visitation going forward or asked ANYTHING of. It was surprising. Rather, E said that she had more people sticking her nose in the way she parented and that she promised to not do that for C. She wants us to adopt C!!!! So does Uncle. We told them that healing needs to happen for C and that we hope that taking her permanency off the table will allow C to feel comfortable in seeing the whole family in fun and healthy ways. We would like to do BBQ's at the park and things like that. We actually feel like we could have a somewhat healthy relationship here, going forward.
Of course, the problem now becomes the logistics. I do believe Aunt and Uncle will hold to their word. They called CPS on Friday and again today to ask for the papers to be drawn. CPS has not called back. We will not be telling C about any of this until that paper is signed and we know how CPS is going to proceed. Will they be recommending to the courts that she be adopted by us? Will they be seeking relative placement first?? We want to have answers to the many questions both we and C has on these issues. We are eager to proceed, as is AUnt and Uncle. PRAISE GOD!
Of course, the problem now becomes the logistics. I do believe Aunt and Uncle will hold to their word. They called CPS on Friday and again today to ask for the papers to be drawn. CPS has not called back. We will not be telling C about any of this until that paper is signed and we know how CPS is going to proceed. Will they be recommending to the courts that she be adopted by us? Will they be seeking relative placement first?? We want to have answers to the many questions both we and C has on these issues. We are eager to proceed, as is AUnt and Uncle. PRAISE GOD!
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