So this Saturday we have a meeting with bio grandma and a different aunt. It is set at a park near their home which is no where near ours. I make a potatoe salad the night before and get melons, soda, juice, pretzels and hotdogs so we can Q it up and enjoy some extended time there.
We are to meet at 11:30. We left a message on G'ma's phone on Thrs and then again on Friday. No returned calls. WE were nervous as to if they were coming. Well, let's just say that at 12:30, J calls G'ma's phone and she ANSWERS. She said she lost our numbers, didn't check her machines, was there the week before waiting for us and that she would stop what she was doing and come. By 2:20, they were not there. My tots had pink cheeks and were SO ready for naps. We loaded up one upset C and headed out the parking lot... only to have C leap up in the back seat as she spots G'ma and Aunt pulling up in their car. J cast me a look like, " NOW WHAT??". We turned around and J drove around and occupied the tots in the car for the next 1.5 hours while me and C did a shorter version of a visit. C was SO elated to see them. They took jewelry off of their necks and things off their key rings to give her. It was... crazy. I was tolerant. I was exhausted. I had plans to do laundry and get ready for the Super Bowl party the next day but C was so let down so it all got put aside. And then, through it all, Dad and I were the bad guys for making the visit end after 1.5 hours with the tots buckled in car seats. It is funny how the bio G'ma can do no wrong. She did defend us having to leave, which I really appreciated.
Later that evening, I took C for a Blizzard. She was obviously more moody than normal, up and down with the emotions and understandably so. I asked her if "inappropriate" things were said by her grandma to her and her siblings as E had indicated a few nights prior. She told me that they were told that bio mom would get out of jail, clean up, and then go and get all the kids back and they would all live with G'ma happily ever after. She didn't understand why this was inappropriate. I explained that it was not possible because once a child is adopted, no bio mom can come and reclaim the child. Adoptions are forever, and forever, the adopted child will have 2 moms. She was upset. A and D, the sibs, have been told this same lie. They are all "counting" on this lie to come true. What kid doesn't want their bio mom to love them SO MUCH that they give up all they know to just love and take care of the kids?? Of course. But to be told it could happen is a totally different thing.
As she cried, we talked. She said that she didn't really want to live with her bio mom. She wants to live with us but be able to spend the weekends there sometimes. With her mom now getting close to being released, I felt I should confront this "dream." I told her it could not happen and why. I explained that we are entrusted to keep C safe and that her mom has a history that is unsafe. So then she asked if she could spend the night with bio G'ma. It was the same answer. She cried as I held her and she asked why God didn't bring us together through happy times instead of these bad ones? Of course, I had no answer. Poor kid.
Later that night, she seemed to be much better. She had released the emotions. I asked her if she still wanted to be adopted by us and she informed me that it was just a stupid question. She does.
The meeting with Aunt E was very revealing on the dealings with bio G'ma and the history there. I did softly confront G'ma on some of it and got really sketchy behaviors from her. She was defensive without being attacked. SHe just "doesn't know what she did wrong". I can't believe that. What is it about people not willing to take ownership? She blames AUnt E for everything saying C was in a prison but when C was turned over to Aunt E in second grade, C was vomitting from the stress created through all the moves and uncertainty and violence and drugs that she had experienced. Yet all of C's issues are on AUnt E?? Why do they even bother with the blame game??
Anyway, adoption of a child is adoption of a whole set of new relatives, really. So it is REALLY interesting when they are so unrelatable in many ways but hold such value to a little girl.
J, behaviorist, want to shoot me an email on how I should be dealing with the fact that bio mom is getting out in a few months?? C desperately wants to see her. She is aware that she will NEVER be left alone with her while she lives under our roof and why. Should we allow her to see her or not?? How do we prepare her either way??
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