Swimming in December

Well, the last two days Dad and I spent googling and looking for a local hotel that had an indoor heated pool. FInally found a couple that were pretty cheap so we decided to surprise the kids and spend a day swimming and the night watching movies and eating junk. C was super excited at the prospect as were the tots and we were off.

I was surprised how much work it was packing for just one night. I even brought the DVD player from home and rented some Blockbuster flicks to help keep the cost down. Turns out that the tv in the hotel room was not compatable with our player so we had to pay to watch a movie anyway. Darn!

So, C did ok. She has been really negative lately and I have about had it with it so gently, I have been pointing out all of the negative things she says. She doesn't get defensive as I had expected she would, but it doesn't seem to be preventing the behavior either. She is also still super attached. We invited my nieces to join us for teh afternoon swim part and she was having a pitty party because "no one wanted to play with her". Of course, I had to keep the tots safe. Aunt was busy helping me with that and also playing with the bigger kids. I guess C wanted a full on game of Marco Polo to break out and let the tots drown... She can be so generous in some ways and SO VERY selfish in others. Dad finally got there and Aunt was able to watch the littlest so we could play Marco Polo and Shark. That pleased her.

She started pouting on our way to dinner. It started over her wanting to take a trip in the hotel elevator. I was not interested in going and did not want to detour our whole party for the sake of her ride up and down... I told her she could do it later if she wanted, once we were all back and in our room. "Alone?" she asked. I said "yes" and that was all it took.

She pouted and then intentionally lagged behind. She got the idea to ride with Aunt to the resaurant to avoid me since I was clearly evil. I allowed all others to go ahead and asked her to stay back. We took a seat on the curb. I asked her what the pouting was all about. She denied it, then defended it. I told her there was no reason- I recalled the conversation and then told her that she needed to put on her happy face and she could ride with her aunt. She agreed, though announced that she hated being the big sister because she always had to set a good example. I stopped her again. I told her that I did not allow my four year old to pout and I certainly was not going to allow my 12 year old to pout. Her response was " I like being the middle sister" then she quickly corrected herself with, " No. I don't like that either." She gets in these moods and I tell you... she just is a hater.

She was upset because Aunt wanted to sit by me at dinner. She was upset that she had to order off the kid menu. She interrupted conversations and corrected me about nothing several times. She worked hard at being the center of attention, as she always does.

After the movie, C and my 3 year old were sharing a bed for the night. The three year old was pretty still but you can image that C wasn't. I asked C to stop moving around so much. She ignored me. My 3 year old flopped once more and C protested her move. I picked up my three and put her in a soft bed I quickly made on the floor out of a duvet and pillow and tucked her in, reassuring her tears and telling her that it wasn't all her fault. That both of my girls needed to learn to hold still in bed for the sake of the other. I asked her if she was comfortable and through her tears, she mumbled a "yes". I got up to find that C had rolled off the bed and onto the floor in a pout. Upset that I had told the three year old that it wasn't all her fault. I am and was done iwth the game. I promptly announced to the 3 that her big sister had decided that she could have the bed all to herself. Wasn't that nice?? I put her back on the bed adn tucked her in while telling C that the bed I had made was more comfortable than the carpet. Of course for teh next hour, C was banging on everything "accidentally" that she could, including the bed frame. I ignored it all.

This morning, C went for a last dip and then all the kids are off to Grandma's house. C announced that she had so much fun. I am sure she did. She generally does. Her behaviors are a game to her and only upsetting to us. I try not to let them bother me, but in the end, I just can't help but to think how much I have to teach her about how to treat people and to respect herself and what a short time I have to do it in. It scares me.

I did have fun. The tots had fun, too. I just would have had so much more fun without the constantly complaining, pouting, and demanding of being the center of attention. Worst part of it is, I don't really know how to bring her out of it so that we can all have fun. She doesn't even realize that it takes the fun out for us. And I am sure she looks at her behavior now and sees an angel compared to where she came from. I also see great improvements, but it doesn't mean that we don't have a long way to go.

This two week break has had many good times and fun moments. Yet, I am SO ready for school to start. Not that I don't enjoy my time as a family but she is so attached to me that I can not leave the room without "getting permission" from her and there is only so much of that one can take without a break. It makes me super nervous for the upcoming summer and makes me very aware of how much correction in behavior I need to address with her between now and then in order for us BOTH to enjoy our 3 month break.

A Night Out For Us =Protest

Nothing has changed in the regard that C does not want me to leave her. It is fine for her to go to her church group and leave me, but the other way around creates a fit most times. Last night was no exception. WE didn't have a date night the week before as we normally did and advanced notice to our date last night was given earlier in the week. It didn't matter. She stormed up stairs and Nana and Papa arrived asking when "will it be my time". I couldn't resist and told her that the last many days were all about "her time". She stormed up stairs, wrote a note to keep out, and then hid in her closet.

This time I minimized the behavior. I knocked and Dad and I went in. WE told her that we loved her and that we would be back soon. Asked if she wanted to give us hugs. She barely hugged us but did do it. We went down stairs. As she often does in this state of mind, she began slamming things around in her room. J went up stairs and told her that it was time to make a choice. We were leaving and she could either stay in her room and suffer the consequences of that choice, or she could go be pleasant and have fun with her grandparents. We told Nana how to deal with a negative choice and left. She snapped out of it as soon as we left. She just wanted to be sure that I knew she was not happy about it and she wanted to see if she could control me in getting me to stay.

Nana and Papa said she had a blast with them last night. She did Papa's hair all up in clips which I am sure was a sight to see. They wrestled and played with their new Christmas toys. C always says that she never has fun when Nana and Papa stay here for us to go out but I know it isn't true. It is more trying to get me to stay.

Today we played Rock Band for about an hour as a family. She cried several times when she didn't do well. She really over values her failures. I hope, with time, we can get her to see that it is JUST A GAME. Again, we minimized the behavior and she is doing fine now. Dad made mention of the fact that she doesn't want to join in new clubs or games because of fear of failure and having to figure out how to make friends there, too. It is sad. She has so much potential and sells herself short.

Christmas was interesting... she did well but would go upstairs at times to just get away from the people. She knew the people (all but J's sister and her kids) and yet still pulled away at times. I let her. I wanted her to have a fun holiday but at times, it was awkward to explain to people that she just wanted to "watch tv" which was not at all what was really going on. She did play LIFE with one Grandma and aunt and of course ate with us and opened gifts. I think she had a lot going on emotionally and it was a lot to take in. She loved her gifts from us and felt very spoiled. She was overjoyed with the family time with just us and the tots and kept asking when we would have more time like that.

We are going to my mom's house tonight. We won't stay long with church tomorrow. It should be fun though since my neices will be there and she enjoys them very much.

We feel so blessed to have her in the family this Christmas. I am anxious for our meeting on Monday with CPS, aunt and uncle, and Ms. B... ready to see where that chapter is going to end, or should I say, begin.

A Party, Or Two

C has been a party animal and her social life is FINALLY taking off. So glad to see it! She had a sleep over at her cousin's house on Thrs, a sleep over birthday party on Friday at her best friend from church's house... Sat to recover (of course there was a visit with Grandma Friday night) and then Sun, today, had her small group over for a Christmas party. They were a SUPER fun group and C had a blast! She was socially appropriate and participated in all the activities and told Ms. C (her teacher) that she loved her before she left. She really does care for her and the group and it was just really great to see her feeling so loved by a peer group. It is really good for her soul.

A new SUPER cute thing that C is doing... her and Daddy have really bonded lately. They wrestly all of the time, went to the dance together, tell eachother silly (but not so funny) jokes, etc... anyway, she now wears his REALLY big sweatshirts to bed at night over her PJ's. She is getting Daddy hugs all night and LOVES it. It was her idea and she looks so snuggly in the giant shirt. It is a site.

We have to call Aunt E tomorrow to set up a time to pick up C's gift card before Christmas. I am super annoyed by having to figure out a time without C to make it happen. It is not like aunt didn't know when the last visit before the holiday would be and we are fully booked between now and then in preparations and appointments but I am hoping we can send Daddy on the errand. I think this was another play of control on the part of the aunt but I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and think perhaps she didn't have the money to buy it sooner so it had to be after the visit. Either way, I don't want to give her room to complain about our actions so we are working to make time to do it for C's sake and our own.

I have been thinking more about what C said the other psych did. The whole "eye for an eye" concept with the tapping on the child... It has me upset. I am PRAYING that things somehow work out with Ms. B. Ms. B is so professional and really does consider protecting the mental health of everyone in the room. I feel comfortable with that and I know C does, too. Let me know as soon as we have a decision from CPS on this. I am eager to breathe easier on the issue!

Merry Christmas if I don't post again before hand. Thank you to you all for everything you have done.

Friends

GREAT NEWS!!! This week there has been no homework as a gift to the students and C is loving it. She is coming home in great spirits and enjoying the few hours of freedom. She came home from school on Thrs and asked to PLAY WITH FRIENDS??? I was thinking ," what friends??" But she made friends on the bus and they all rode scooters in front of the house and they are NICE kids. I was super excited and I froze to death but really was happy to see my daughter play with FRIENDS after school. FIRST TIME, and so super cool!

School

YIKES! I don't think the school did any testing and istead of admitting it, they put an IEP together anyway based on her ADHD. It was a joke. They called me on Friday and asked me to come in. The teacher didn't know about it until the day prior. They were up against a deadline, had no scores to show me, and only last years AIMS results to say that she isn't learning delayed. Ms. M, her home room teacher, was concerned about her ability to read and write and stated that it is more than inattentiveness. The good news is that they intend to do "more tests" at the first of the year to see how to best work with her and they will have test scores for me then, too. Nice, huh??? What a joke. I don't know any more now than I did 3 months ago. I asked what her IQ was and I was told "in the normal range. She is capable." Is that a pat answer or what?

SHOCKING stuff about last visit

Well, tonight we went to visit Grandma D and Aunt G. The visit went smooth and it was nice to get to know them better. Grandma did say she had no intentions of asking for custody as long as C was happy here. Yippeeee!!! That was great to hear.

The part that was shocking was on the drive home, C told me stuff she has found out that D, her brother, has been doing. Not good stuff and she doesn't want to tell her aunt or Ms. B because she will be a snitch. Nothing serious, so I told her that it was fine and we talked about the kinds fo things that she would need to share with an adult to make sure he was always safe. Better safe and mad at her than unsafe and happy with her.... anyway, in talking about it, she told me more about what happened last visit.

I guess that last visit aunt told Ms. B that the other psych said that people who do drugs are bipolar and that A, the sister, is probably bipolar. That bio mom is likely bipolar and that that is why the bad choices are being made. All this being said in front of all the kids... and C says that is just mean. That this other person doesn't even know her mom ( the aunt has had it in her head that the whole family is bipolar and has been telling the kids this for years and C HATES IT!) Then she says that this person (she is calling her a case manager and I keep telling her it is NOT a case manager so she never thinks that B from CPS would do these things) was tapping A, the sister's shoulder to annoy her while asking "does this annoy you?" A said no and it continued. C said that this "case worker" is so mean. I asked her what the point of that was and she said that the new "case worker" wanted to show her how annoying she was to the aunt. Again, mean was the word that C used over and over.... SO... without ever seeing this new pyschologist, C already knows more than she wants and so do I. This does not seem like professional conduct what so ever and I can see why aunt likes her so much. I am super concerned about putting C into this same doctor. How do you feel about it, team??

I got a picture of C when she was 2 or 3. That is really neat. She is with her bio mom who obviously is using at the time. Neat to have it though and we are excited to put it in her life book.

After the CFT

I just took C to her church class tonight. They were having a Christmas party so she was pretty jazzed about it. On the way there, C asked if I told Ms. B (CPS case worker) what she told me to tell her, thus referring to the fact that she wanted to be adopted and quickly. I assured her that I did. "Well what did she say??" I told her that no promises were made but the it was suggested that she write the judge and/or Mr. M a letter expressing her desires. She said with excitement that she would. I also told her about the bonding assessment the was being required. I didn't tell her what it was, only that a doctor would be asking her and them questions. She stated with confidence that she would and could tell the doctor that she doesn't want to live there and that she wants to stay here... I asked her "won't that be hard to do in front of your aunt and uncle?" She was shocked, asking, "They will be in there at the same time?!" I nodded and she began to cry stating that she HATES this. She hates the doctor and that she didn't want to go. I assured her that the doctor would not ask really hard questions and that it wasn't even on the calendar yet. I don't know... maybe I shouldn't have told her about it yet. Once she was calm I asked her if she thought that when she told me, Ms. B, Ms. D, Ms. B, Ms. A about her desire to stay here if she thought that her aunt would already hear it and know. She stated that she did think her aunt heard. I told her at some point her aunt should here it from her. She got a great idea and stated "I could write her a letter and Ms. B (psychologist) could give it to her". I told her that was a great idea! She quickly realized that her aunt would make her talk about it at a family visit and started to think it was a bad idea. I then reminded her that Ms. B would already know what was in the letter and that Ms. B would make sure that the aunt did not yell or get inappropriate with her in any way. She said " Ms. B is the best. I love Ms. B" (No folks, I am not making this up.) I told her that Ms. B had said today that there would be no more yelling in the visits and she made a fist and pulled it to her saying " Yes!!! Go, Ms. B!" So I guess that even though she is used to the yelling and "mean aunt", she doesn't like it and is pleased to hear that it will be stopped. C has NO IDEA that there may be in a change in therapists in the future. I have chosen not to tell her, knowing how upsetting it will be to have uncertainty in this role.

Anyway, I told her she did not have to write any letters and that it was up to her. She stated that she wanted to. We will see if she does it. She was in good spirits by the time we arrived at church. She got invited to her best friend's sleep over birthday party on Friday. We have a visit with Grandma that day so we will have to do some working to make it happen. YEAH!!!! Social stuff!!! YEAH!!! Oh yeh, I told her that she would get to start seeing her brother and sister without her aunt and uncle and she was SUPER happy about that. She asked if I would be there and was thrilled to hear that I would be. She also asked if I could be with her at the bonding assessment and I told her I would ask. She wants me in the room and next to her though I don't know if that is possible. She is super scared to be alone and confronted by her aunt. She told me that she never wanted to call her aunt "mom" but that she was forced to and she wished her mom had never signed her over to her aunt. So sad.

Thanks for your patience with my emotions at the meeting today. I am sorry that I cried. I just feel sad when I see less stability starting to come back into her life. Sorry!!

Visit today

Well, as they go, it wasn't too bad. We had Papa making us special home made pizza when we got home and that was something to look forward to. In the car, she said that her aunt was mean to her uncle. She said that she knew that her uncle was hurt by her mean ways but that he didn't dare say a thing. She also said that the aunt was mean to Ms. B and that she is pretty much this way with a lot of people. She said that the aunt told her that she wanted her back. I asked how she felt about this... "I don't want to go back, Mom." We talked about how nice it was for her to see her siblings and then it was over. We were home and she did pretty good. A bit bossy, playing up her cold and the fact that she just doesn't feel good, but she is down stairs rocking out with Daddy and Papa on the Rock Band so she is good and distracted for now. I think she will rest ok tonight because she is a bit sick... so I hope that any negatives from this visit are done and we are normal tomorrow. We will see!

I did have a conversation with Ms. B when the visit was over. I guess the aunt was pretty mean to Ms. B. I have to say, C really cares about Ms. B and did not like this at all. This goes to show how much changing doctors at this point would adversly affect her. I just don't like the idea at all... I guess we will be discussing it as a group shortly.

Sunday

Well, I was invited to a Cardinals football game with my dad on Sunday. FUN! I was super excited. Of course C knew I was going to be gone most of the day because of this and woke up in rare form. She was so antagonistic. She was trying to get the babies to fight with her, and us. It was really, really ugly. On the way to church I had to pull over the car to quiet her in the car and get her to hold her tongue for the rest of the drive.

We checked her into 6th grade classes and told her she would stay for both services since Dad would be teaching the 4 year old class without me and that he could not worry about her behavior and the 10 little kids. She was sad and wiped tears from her eyes while declaring "I don't care." Yeah right!

Anyway, Dad and I sat in first service and it was SUPER powerful. We felt really moved by the message of grace and I decided that Dad and I should go and pay C a visit and pull her out of 2nd hour to help with the kids she has grown to look forward to caring for. I sat her down and she was all sorts of moody... I told her that I simply loved her too much to let her ruin the day for herself. I gave her a crooked grin and she slowly grinned back. Silence. Finally she squeeked out an ," I love you, too?" As if to ask if that was the right thing to say. Dad told her it was a start. I assured her that her start to the day was not ok and needed to stop... from that point on, she did GREAT! I gave her a huge hug goodbye and Daddy spent the rest of the day with her and the tots and she was the normal, C that we love so much.

Adoption/ Visits

Yesterday, I filled in a calendar that Mrs. D gave us. I put all of C's appointments and such for December on the calendar and left it on the counter for her when she got home from school. C began looking at it as she pulled her homework out of the backpack. When she got to the family visit next Monday, she began to cry. "I don't want to go on a MOnday. It will mean I have more homework." She stomped to her seat at the table with her spelling work in hand.

I got down on the floor to where I was knelt below her and looked up toward her head hung eyes. "C, I am not the one you need to tell this to. Who do you need to tell this to??" She knew the answer. "Ms. B." I told her that there was no such thing as a good day for these visits. I know that C would complain if we did it on Friday or Sat (Sat is NOT an option for J and I. It is our only day without a commitment and we need that day.) it would be that there is no time for family or the like. She hates that it is an interruption in her life. Last visit she did homework until 7 and I stopped her knowing she had emotions to deal with and we snuggled and talked but the homework got pushed off and she spent the next day working right up until bed time. Anyway, her complaint was about family time as much as it was about homework. Just like with Mrs. D's time, she doesn't understand that there isn't a way to "trade" the time for homework. That both have to be done.

Anyway, she was angry about it. She still is.

Then, last night, I was praying before putting the tots down and today is the first bio family visit for my girls in a year. We prayed for God's hand of protection to be on my girls and when it was all done, C asked about their case plan. I informed her that the courts have said that if the dad is not fully compliant (which he never has been), that the girls are supposed to be severed and adopted in 90 days. Tribal courts are much different that CPS for those of you that are confused by this statement. Anyway, she got all excited and said, "Great! Then we can have our adoption party for all three of us. WOuldn't that be fun?"

I told her that adoption was always in God's timing. That God knows what is best for us and that is why C is here. That if she is to be adopted, God will know the perfect time. That answer was not good enough. "Do you think that if I told my aunt that I wanted to stay here and that I am happy, she would let me be adopted?" I told her that I thought she needs to talk with her aunt and Ms. B honestly about not what she just wants, but what she has grown to understand and what is best for her. "When can I tell her?" I told her to talk with Mrs. B but at one of these visits would be the best time. I didn't know what to say... she sees a time line for the other girls and it kills her that there is no time line for her. She just KNOWS that it is going to happen and that it needs to happen SOON. She WILL NOT hear otherwise. I think she has this survival skill of believing what she needs to believe to get through.... and there is no hearing otherwise. Anyway, Ms. B she asked if she could call you or email you today to talk about these visits and about her telling her aunt to let her be adopted. I can't believe that she has this courage already. I am shocked...

WE did a science project together last night until 7 and will be working on it again until 7 tonight but if you are able to visit her at school this week or call, I know she is wanting to talk to you. She is going to be sad to hear that you can't make the visits go away or make the aunt stop pursuing her... I don't know if she will here this from you any more than she hears it from me but I know that we have given you and the GA Mr. M all the power before the courts and she is wanting to exercise your "magical powers".

I can not tell you how much maturing she has done in the last month or so... I am SO PROUD of her. I really am.

Mrs. D Came

Well, yesterday Mrs. D came for a visit. In an attempt to not have C doing homework at 7 at night, Mrs. D wanted C to get some of it done before she allowed the finishing of the game Sorry that the girls had played last time. I appreciated this, but C did not.

Let's just say that Mrs. D was here for 1.5 hours and not one homework assignment got done. THere was complaining about school, weekend activities, life in general, etc, etc and all the while Mrs. D tried to tell her how important school was, how she needed to be grateful for the things we do as a family and for C around here, and how her attitude was what would determine whether things were boring or not. This took place the whole 1.5 hours while a problem of math or writing would get done every 15 minutes or so in between.

When Mrs. D left we immediately sat down to dinner. Dad could tell that both C and I were way off our normal, smiley selves. I told him we would discuss it later but even the babies caught the nasty mood in the house.

After dinner, C came to me and wrapped her arms around my waste. She appologized. I told her that we needed to talk and took her by the hand, willingly, up to her room. I was so disappointed at her conduct that my eyes were filled with tears. C told me that she was upset because Mrs. D and her don't play any more. She aired concerns about being pulled out of class and having more homework or taking work in with Mrs. D but then not getting to play. She doesn't understand that whether Mrs. D is here or not, she can't have it both ways. I will be discussing this further with Mrs. D and C. C admitted that her disappointment got misdirected and was not handled appropriately. She was sorry.

My bigger concern was that in her pouty state, she really did behave poorly toward me and toward her brother. I told her how family sticks together and how when she complained about her weekend (we had seen Christmas lights, gone to church, had a friend spend the night, and gone to her other friend's sign language party all in 2 days) being boring, how it made me feel like all the efforts I made were not appreciated and how it didn't make me want to go out of my way to do it again. It also made me feel sad that she would say these things to another person rather than bringing any possible concerns to me first. She and I were both crying and she felt really bad. She has since gone out of her way to show me that she does appreciate my efforts to do things for her and is working very hard to help around the house (with dinner last night) and to say please and thank you.

I do think going forward that if C begins pouting that way, Mrs. D and I just require her to take a break and start over. Debating or lecturing doesn't work because she isn't doing it with legitimate complaints. She is doing it to send a message of "I am not happy because you are not doing what I want." And until the real message is received and addressed, no further progress can be made. It just digresses.

Grandma

Well, on Thanksgiving, Grandma had called to speak with C. She was in bed at the time that the call came in but we didn't want C to feel kept from her so took the phone in for a brief chat. C said she would call the next day, and she did. The answering maching picked up and said that the battery on the phone was dead and that she would charge it and return her calls the following day... We have not heard from her. I asked C the following day if she wanted to call Grandma and she said that she left a message and was waiting for an inbound call. I think it was a sort of test to see if Grandma would call... Grandma failed.

I asked her at breakfast today if she wanted to call Grandma and she said that she did. I guess she knows at this point that Grandma is not returning her call. I do want to get a date on the calendar for them to get together for Christmas. C is going to make Chex Mix for her bio family in cute Christmas tins so I want to be sure that the opportunity to give that to her and get a hug is there. Of course, the problem is, C still hasn't gotten the birthday present that Grandma was making for her (since before she came into care) and C has started to realize that she is likely not getting this infamous shelf from Grandma after all. Last we called Grandma, C asked if Grandma could draw her a picture for her room (you can tell that she just wants a tangable something from Grandma since she isn't getting the shelf) and Grandma agreed but I place money that Grandma doesn't do that either.

Grandma and C love each other, there is no doubt. But Grandma unintentionally hurts C by not reaching out. Grandma had complained to C on the phone last talk ( the one I had to take the phone away due to inappropriate topics and counsel the aunt on what not to talk about) that C doesn't call much and had guilted her about it... and C's response was "You have my number. You can call me." This last test showed C that C was right- the problem isn't in the outbound calls. Not to mention, which one is the adult here?

Good news is that C isn't overly bothered by it. I think it is the same message that she has received off and on for years from Grandma so in some ways, she is used to it. Yet I know that it is still disappointing for her.

The dance

I wish I could post pictures. She looked so amazing and she felt like a real princess. She could be found spinning around so her dress would fly outward. Not an ounce of grace, but a smile that couldn't be tamed. She was so super happy and excited.

Daddy got her a corsage and she loved it. He opened the car door for her and drove off. His concerns were that she would just stand along the wall and not want to dance for 2 hours but he was so wrong in that. She found a friend upon arrival that invited her out to the dance floor, Dads in hand, they went. She bounced from group of friends to group and back out the dance floor for the whole 2 hours and had nothing but wonderful things to report about it. Daddy took pictures on his phone and of course, camera crazy mom took a few before she left.

Tonight C has a friend over. Her friend from church. Dad made the observation that at the dance C never really stuck with any one friend for any period of time. She literally bounced superficially. The comment that the teachers make about everyone loves her seems to be true but actually befriending people is really hard. Case in point, tonight her friend from church is over to stay the night. She plopped herself down on the couch once we got home from picking the friend up and began to turn to Disney Channel. I told her that she needed to play iwth her friend since she had a special chance to do that. She honestly can't figure out what to do with her... she doesn't know how to engage with a friend. HONESTLY. She took her to her room and then played on my old phone, leaving nothing for her friend to do. This has happened several times tonight and Daddy just turned Rock Band on the tv and they are now doing that together. I don't think she knows that she isn't engaging either. She is content to do not connect... they don't chit chat, play games, etc. They have to be stimulated by something else and then they do fine. This is not normal or good... any suggestions here or will it work out with time??

Doing GREAT...

Well, we have had a few really good weeks under our belt at this point. I can tell that C is really feel safe and happy here and because she is in a stable and loving environment, she is learning to be more stable in her behaviors and emotions. There have been many incidents of late that normally would have resulted in a tantrum- BUT NOPE!! Good girl.

Tonight is a father/daughter dance at school. She really wanted to go and Daddy liked the idea, too. I do think it will be good for them. They have been wrestling lately and I can tell that she is more attached to him lately as she is contantly asking where he is or where he is going if he is not in the room with her. Anyway, $20 for the dance. $45 for the shoes and dress and corsage (Sp?) and they are officially going to the dance tonight. She wants me to put her hair up all fancy for her. She will be quite a vision.

The things we are having issues with at this point are-

-whining. Yup, she really does whine. Atleast once a day. Almost always in the morning or anytime she doesn't get what she wants. I point it out to her as subtly as possible but the behavior is not going away.

-babysitter. She is like our babysitter. She has to know where we (me and Daddy) are at all times and before we can go upstairs (like right now to type) she wants to know where I am going and what I am doing. I can be leaving to use the bathroom and I "have to report in".

-being too busy. She wants to do so much but above most things is just having down time with me and Daddy. We have had VERY little time for this, yet she doesn't want to miss out on her Wed night church or things like this dance. She hates visits because they cause a back up in homework and take away any chance of down time with us for a few days after the fact.

-etiquette. She has none. We are slowly working on it but the girl doesn't even sit right at the table (One leg up with the foot on the chair and full crotch view. It isn't nice.) There are no table manners at all. I have volunteered to host an etiquette class for her and her friends this summer with the "prize" of getting to all go out to a fancy dinner together. That is a long way off and I am trying to work on one little thing at a time and keep it a postive that is received well.

-needing her permission. She fully expects that if I want to go visit my mom one night or do something without her like make my family Christmas gifts, that she should be invited and that I need her permission to do it. I don't allow this, obviously, but she just doesn't understand why her expectations can't be met her and why that kind of thinking is wrong.

This are not big things, really, but with it all being so constant, it can be quite exhausting. She is doing REALLY well right now and I no longer feel like I am living on egg shells. I can tell her "no" without expecting a complete break down. This is really nice and allows me to enjoy her company a lot more.

I am planning a trip to an orphanage in Africa next summer that I ministered to this past summer. C REALLY wants to come. I explained that as a ward of the state, she can not leave the country... she told me she would be adopted by then. We discussed this as being something to pray for but that there were no guarantees of adoption, let alone on that time frame. It is still something she is shooting for. Today she told me that any money she gets for Christmas she can put in her bank for her trip to Africa. We talked about why God opens and closes certain doors and that we can pray for it to happen... but the only way I think that could happen is if her aunt stopped pursuing reunification, right?? There is no way to get her a passport if she is not adopted, corrected? Even for missions work?? Anyway, she is still of the mindset that no matter what, she is staying here. I love it so much on one hand, and then I fear how FAR that FALL would be if it didn't work out, and it scares me to death.

Upped the meds

I knew that breaking the news of more medication would not go well. It didn't. She cried and cried as her breakfast sat in front of her with her vitamins and medication. She kept repeating that she hated school and that they were so mean. The issue of not having friends was brought up, too. Dad and I held her as she cried and tried to reassure her. She had heard it all before and wasn't too interested in hearing it again.

I did get a little breakfast into her before she left for school. Dad offered to drive her since she really did need some time to get back to "normal" before seeing her peers and he was going that way anyway. That seemed to make her happier. She did willingly take all the medication, despite the crying and venting. That showed me some maturity has taken place in the past 4 months. She didn't make me bring out any consequences to just do what was asked even when it wasn't what she wanted. WAY TO GO, C!!!

It will be interesting to hear what the teachers say about behavior today since she is angry at them for saying she is having a hard time focusing in class. Hopefully nothing. She is respectful to others, usually. And then in the coming weeks, we will see if this helps with focus. I am concerned that at some point, we will just have to accept that there is no "perfect" medicine and work with where we are at. I guess we will see.

School is Hard

We are back and settled back into our routine. Things have been good and we have had a lot of events (such as Cole's birthday and my niece's birthday) to keep us busy and distracted.

I emailed Mrs. M today, C's home room teacher. I had emailed her on Sunday to clarify the homework and got quite a response back. It seems as though C is just really having a hard time focusing on tasks at school. Here at home, too... I had hoped we were doing better since the weekly report looked a bit better. Turns out that C just has a hard time even focusing to begin a difficult task. 15-20 minutes into a class she is finally tuned in and ready to work but at that point, the class is nearing an end and she is about to switch to another class.

I have asked Mrs. M for personal advise, as if she was C's mom. What would she do? I just am at a complete loss as to what to do. I do think the ADHD is better under control but not all the way under control. I intend to increase the 5mg med tomorrow morning which I know will result in a crying and pouting session, complete with pounding fists and a lot of anger. She doesn't want these meds and I don't blame her. I want her to be "normal", too. But wanting it doesn't get it.

Anyway, I asked what she thought about private, public, and home school for a child in this situation. I have not heard back on this. I am really wanting this testing to be done on her and the results to be back. I do not believe for one minute that what she is doing for her education is what is best for her. I don't know what is. I don't have any solution. I just know this isn't working. She came home from school today with a turkey made of her hand that she made during lunch while helping in a kindergarten class. She made it for me and I love it, but it just breaks my heart. The academics are the start of the problem, but only the start.

I want to help her. I want to do what is truly right by her. I have expressed my concerns but have heard no solutions. To every option I can muster, I see pros and cons. I know what she says she wants. She doesn't even know I am considering other options but voices her desires anyway. I just don't know that SHE knows what she is really asking for. She is so desperate to belong that I truly worry about next year. If she was put in a situation with peer pressure toward sex or drugs, I truly feel she would be likely to do it. Just like she did with the detention issue at school. She just wants to belong.

Her teachers say she is immature. Her progress report came back all C's, one D, and one F. Perhaps holding her back a year is the answer. Perhaps not. Yes, she has friends at church but none of you would call them "normal" friends. They aren't socially adept in any way. And I know that if C had other options, she would drop them like a hot cake but the fact that they like her makes them everything she needs right now. And they are good influences so I don't mind. They make her happy and feel like she belongs and I praise God for the role they have in her life and also pray that she never uses them to fill her needs without considering their needs, which I feel often happens.

Anyway... more confusion. No more answers.

Day after ER

So she gets home from school and there was no tutoring due to the teacher being absent. Yet she fiddles around in getting started with her homework and was nearly impossible to keep on task. She was in a decent mood but was LOOKING for a fight. She put her lunch box on the counter and announced doing it. I KNEW that when I looked inside I would find her lunch in it and sure enough, I did. She wanted me to know that I could not control what she did or didn't eat. Same with her water bottle I sent. It was full.

We struggled through every problem of homework but made it most of the way through by dinner time. I had made a meatloaf and mashed potatoes with all the fixin's. She was loving the smell and asked what was for dinner. I informed her that her lunch was for dinner. Then she decides to tell me that she had a taco at school but at this point, I didn't care. She asked if she ate her lunch if she could have meatloaf and I agreed that it would be fine.

She sat down and ate her lunch. Then ate meatloaf and potatoes. Let's just say, the lunches have been eaten since that day!

She finished her homework up at 6:45. I told her she needed to take a shower because she was going to bed early to make up for the lack of sleep the night before. She was again, really upset about not getting family time. I reminded her that the whole time she was doing homework, I was prodding her to stay focused and she refused. That she didn't even sit down and start until 4:00 because she was delaying it. That was time that could have been family time. It was as if she didn't hear me and was just plain upset. She was so tired that she cried out of disappointment and exhaustion but went ahead and went to shower and bed. She was in bed by 7:30. She woke up in a much better mood the next day and things have been normal since. Her kind of normal, of course!

Two days ago she worked a solid 2.5 hours on homework without losing focus. I felt so bad for her. She had 7 assignments, none of which were make up from being gone. What is it with this school??? Is that just too much or is it just me?? When is she supposed to play and unwind with the family?? We have not had any family time until yesterday and it was becaus we cancelled our date night or we would not have had it then, either. I am SO FRUSTRATED with school. Her grades have come up a bit and she is really trying hard. I fear we are going to start heading the wrong direction again if we can't get back into a balance with her school work load.

The Night we Returned

Well, the drive home was easier than the drive there. C can not relax enough to sleep in a car so I was nervous since the fun was done and we were just headed home. I knew we had homework to tend to upon arrival and in the end, it was a long and tiring trip thus far.

On the car ride home, C mentioned that her tummy was a bit tender. I had talked to her earlier in the trip about her choosing to eat junk rather than veggies and fruits and that she would get constipated if she wasn't careful. My mistake was allowing her to make the choices but at the time, I figured we would get back to normal once we got home.

We got home and sat C down to do a bunch of homework. When she was finally done with it, she went up to shower and then was devistated that we were asking her to go to bed at her usual time. "I didn't get any family time today." I really thought that after a full weekend with us (4 day weekend) and all that time in the car, that she would be ready for some personal space. I know I was more than ready. But nope. Not my C. She was really upset. I assured her that tomorrow we would make an effort at family time once her homework was done but that for now, she needed to go to bed. I asked her to take 2 stool softeners for me to help with her bowels and we did our usual Bible time and prayers.

It was about 20 minutes later that Dad heard C crying in bed. I was so exhausted and figured that C was upset about being home as she had expressed during Bible time. She didn't want the vacation to end (who did??). Anyway, I asked Dad to go up and he agreed. He actually had been wanting to get some of that time with her so that he could connect on some of the stuff she shares when scared and such. This was different. She was crying saying her stomach hurt. Dad tried to comfort her the best a man can (sorry, men!) and came back down. 15 minutes later she was still crying so he went back up with TUMS (tried to get a placebo effect, I think!). He asked how bad the pain was and she said a 5. After 20 more minutes, I went up this time. I asked her to rub her tummy and showed her how to do it. I asked her to try and go to the bathroom which she gave very little effort. She was rocking on her bed and crying.

I asked her if she was upset about being home and she said she was but that her stomach hurt really bad. My mommy instincts told me she just didn't want to be home and wanted to be with us, not in bed. Afterall, she stayed up until midnight AZ time the night before. I told her that we would have to go to the hospital if the pain was that bad. She HATED that idea. I told her I would give her 10 minutes to get the pain rubbed out and be ready for bed and that while she was doing that, I would call the nurse line. When I came back, if she was still in bad pain, we would go to the ER.

I did. I came back in 10 minutes and she was still in "pain". I told her to change and we were going to the hospital. Boy did that make her mad.

At the ER she was crying from not wanting to be there and then once shown to her room, did great. I knew she would. I put on Disney Channel while we were waiting for the Xray and she stretched out, stopped crying, and even laughed at the tv. GRRRRRRRR!!!! I was so tired and here we were. They got her into xray after being there no more than 20 minutes and when we got back to the room, it was lights out and tv off. She forgot about her "pain" and periodically would rub her tummy but was no longer curled up or crying. When asked about her pain, she would say it hurt the same. (Does she not see how irrational that is?)

Anyway, we were there until 2 am. FUN! They did nothing for her and sent us home, telling her to drink more and eat fruits and veggies. She always refuses to drink. This is an ongoing issue for us.

Anyway, she was quite upset when I told her she needed to crawl into bed because school started in a few hours. But off to bed and when awoken in the AM, she was balling her eyes out because she was so tired. A lunch full of fiber, apple for breakfast, and water in her backpack, off she went.

Disney Vacation

Well, where to even begin. It was such an amazing trip and we feel so totally blessed to have been able to go. C was so excited that it was literally very difficult for her to contain herself. She acted excited and anxious as we packed and drove. The drive there, we had figured would be the easier of the two trips. We picked up C from school around 12:30 and headed out. I had packed each child their own backpack full of goodies from the dollar store. It actually held their attentions longer than I had expected and the first 2 hours went pretty smooth. From there on, it was a bit trickier, but still, not too bad.

C was unable to sleep in the car, claiming it was uncomfortable. She had the whole middle row except for A's car seat so had more room than any other person but she begged to differ. There was a definate attitude about this trip revolving around her and I was a bit nervous that it would continue and when it came time for rides, would have a hard time doing what the family wanted instead of what she wanted. This did prove to be partly true.

She was confused as we entered the park the next day. Main Street was not what she had expected to walk into and "Where are the rides?" was what she said. The 100 foot Christmas tree wasn't impressive to a girl who had heard about rides.

We had two great days at the park. She did have a hard time with doing things that others wanted to do and would constantly try to redirect our activities to what she wanted to do. We told her that there was enough time to do it all and WE DID! We stayed out until 11PM CA time on Sunday taking in seconds and thirds on her favorite rides which we the coasters. She was having so much fun and I don't know if or when she will ever get back so wanted to be sure she really felt like she got to do it all.

One of my friends took a foster child to Disneyland a couple years back and the girl had cried as they left the park saying "I don't want to go." When questioned about it she had stated that she would never get to come back. I feared this for C but was prepared for it. That is not what we got. We got, " It is ok. I will be back next year... well, do you think we could come back sooner or will it be next year?" She does NOT CONSIDER that she is not a permanent part of our family. She knows we go to CA twice a year for vacations and that we intend to come back... that means she would come back, too. Yet she kept saying without us putting a question or statement to her "It is ok. I will be back next year." It was like she was trying to convince herself.

I enjoyed my family, C being a part of that, SO MUCH. I feel like we are closer for the experience and that C really did have that once in a lifetime first trip that will forever be burned in her mind. I love her. She was very grateful for the trip and I was so grateful to have her be a part of it. I have so many amazing pictures of the trip but can't post them so next CFT we will have to have them out for you all to see. It was truly, truly an amazing trip.

Veteran's Day is a Great Day, Last 2 Days Eventful

So I slept in and that always helps. We had a great day today. C's only friend got to come over and play today. they had fun and it was so good for her to feel the kind of acceptance that only a friend has to offer.

Sunday was a HARD day. It all stemmed from homework. She knows she has to do her vocab packet every weekend. Normally, it goes without incident. This day was different. She was scribbling on it, poking holes in it, and just copping a BAD attitude. The mistake I made was giving her too many warnings. I was trying to get her to turn around and start fresh because after homework, we were supposed to meet up with my son's birth family at Peter Piper. They are really nice people and wanted to get to know C better. They even had a birthday gift for her and she did want to go... but couldn't stop the behavior once it started.

In an effort to not drag on with detail, we ended up stopping the car at the local Circle K and turning around to leave me and C home while the rest of the family went. She was furious. So much so that when she was sent to her room, she threw things against the wall. I moved her to the couch with no tv and she just sobbed and sobbed. About 30 minutes later, she was ready to eat dinner and was sincerly remorseful... but WOW! When it gets ugly, it is REALLY ugly.

Yesterday, Monday, was a better day. She did come home from school is a sour mood but was able to shake it once homework was done. I asked her if she would like to call her grandma. She said she did but then opted to play and have family time, saying she missed it. I told her to manage her time to be in bed by 8 since she had a late night this weekend. At 20 til 8 she called her grandma but Aunt G answered the phone and held it hostage for half the time. Aunt G was inappropriate on the phone, talking about bio mom and letters from jail and such. I was horrified... her telling C that mom was getting out in 10 months and wanted to see her, etc, etc. I took the phone and went into the other room. I was polite but told her that these calls needed to be something C could look forward to making and not upsetting. The topic of the conversation was NOT good. She changed the subject and put Grandma on at that point. Then grandma says how she was waiting and waiting for her to call and put her on a guilt trip about not calling. C was smart and said "you can call here, too"... It is one way. C is still waiting for a shelf that Grandma promised her months ago, and pictures. At some point, if not already, C is going to see that Grandma loves her but is not reliable. I already think C feels torn about whether to call or not. I definately don't think she wants it to be more frequently, or she would ask to. Now I see why.

Anyway, so last night, C is crying in bed. I KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN. C can't hear what she heard and not be upset. I was SO UPSET for her. She blamed the tears on a car accross the street but I knew better. She didn't really want to talk about it. She just needed to be held.

During the conversation, I heard more about the school that C attends. Apparently, since the fall out with her only friends at school and the detention, C now spends her lunch hour helping a kindergarten teacher with her class. She is giving up on the social aspect of school. I love how creative she was to do this and how sweet it is to help, but I really fear for her socially. Her friend from church is her only friend and she is such a sweet and opinionless, gives C whatever she wants kind of friend... C needs to learn how to give and take in friendship and to have a normal friendship. It is really hard. I looked into a charter school option today... I really need some input on this. What is best for her? If she is socially withdrawing, should I home school her? What does the state allow for kids in her situation??

CFT is in 2 days... there is a lot I am eager to get feedback on!!!

Friday night blow up

Well, as it goes, there are good days and bad. We love her regardless...

Friday was a hard day. C is not having fun at school. Academically, she is working very hard and the compromises in her work expectations have made her finally feel somewhat successful. This has become more evident. THe problem is socially. C has no real friends at school. She feels like an outcast and alone there. Because of this and the trials with her learning, she rarely comes home from school in a very good mood. Most days we can coax her back to happiness, but not always.

She came home in a seemingly indifferent mood. The usual hugs and questions about her day ensued at which time Daddy called me into our bedroom for a talk. I excused myself and while Dad was talking to me about some pretty serious stuff, I knew that C was in the other room brewing about being alone in the room. I couldn't even sit on the bed while we talked and was trying to keep it short. Dad wasn't picking up the clues and in my mind, I was playing a tug of war about why I shouldn't be allowed to have a conversation with my husband in teh middle of the day. One would think that a grown woman could break away from her child for an adult conversation without being "punished". But I knew differently and honestly, I just am tired of the "fights". So I wrapped it up as quick as I could but it was simply too late.

"You and Dad can talk at night after I am in bed." I just don't get this child. So I told her that we are adults and that we can talk whenever we need to. Then teasingly said ," You don't think that world should revolve around you, do you?" "No..." with a smile as she flung herself on the couch. She asked if she could change the channel and being a Friday, she gets a repreve from the normal homework so I agreed. "Now you have to get up the babies." She was mad because she got very little alone time and it was indeed time that I head up stairs and get up the tots. She pouted as she marched outside and forfeited her tv option.

I got up the tots as need be. Changed their pants, got their drinks, etc. and then headed out back to talk with C. She didn't want to talk and honestly, being the center of attention and controlling my actions is what she wanted so I decided to head inside and let hte boredom of her choice sink in.

After about 30 minutes she came in and was irritable but not overly inappropriate. At dinner, Daddy came down from work and was in his normal, good mood but sensed right away that I was not, nor was C. So he asked C what was going on. She snapped, "Nothing!" I told him with her in front of us why he was upset. He didn't say much in response but let an awkward silence fall on the dinner table.

We told the kids to get ready to go to Grandma's house for the night. We would be playing adult games with some company while they watched a movie. She protested. I remained calm and told her that it was not up for debate and that she could make it as fun as she chose to. That there would be snacks, movies, toys, and she could bring her new MP3 player and Tomigatchi toys with her. She pouted.

In the car she complained. I asked her to stop. She did it again. I told her it was her last warning or she would not be participating. She did it again and at that point and told her she would be bound to the back bedroom. We got there and I asked her to say hello to her grandparents and then to go to the back room. She did and then cried while in there.

30 minutes later we offered her one last shot at an attitude change and she took us up on it. She came out and was socially appropriate and actually had a really good time asking why we had to leave when we did. Once in the car, she was back to a really bad attitude.

That evening she lost three dimes from her jar due to talking back.

I often feel like I am "walking on egg shells" in our home. She is very sensitive and when she is in that mood, it really doesn't take much to set her off. Honestly, I think she "needs" to blow up in order to feel better so the sooner we draw a line in the sand and tell her we won't take any more, the sooner she blows and then can feel better again. Yet, the blow up is not healthy for us or her. The toddlers really don't get it. We feel like we can not speak firmly and honestly with her because she will make us "pay" and yet, she needs the boundaries and honesty. It makes it really hard. Not to mention my mom is really starting to wonder about her since the way she treated my mom last week on Thursday night, once when we were on vacation, and then this Friday. She sees that it is common and intense and worries for the impact it has on our tots and all of us.

I was talking with J last night about how I think if you asked her if she was being good, she would say "yes" because compared to where she was before, this is probably really good behavior. And yet, it is no where near appropriate or good. We have good days, don't get me wrong. But more days are spent dancing around her irritability and blow ups than just enjoying her for who she is. I can't wait until we get to a point where she can just relax and stop looking for a fight. Where we can all just love eachother and work to be there for one another.

Wed, November 5th

Well, here we are, the day after the big election. Funny how C got her head around this whole election thing. She says "Obama is a terrorist". Where do kids get this stuff?? So silly. She plead her case for why 6th graders should be allowed to vote, which was funny. It didn't make her too happy that I couldn't agree with her position.

Did I write about the other night that she couldn't sleep? It was Sunday night, after the party. I think I did... I will have to check.

Anyway, we went to get her meds changed on Monday and she was as closed as always with the doctor. We went to the nephrologist that same day. She missed virtually the whole day of school between these two appointments. The psych added a morning pill. The nephrologist took some blood and will call us. She was happy to be out of school and had little homework because of it. She actually had some free time and was able to get ahead in spelling and vocab to prepare time for make up work on Tuesday.

Tuesday was not as good of a day. She had tutoring after school and honestly, I am fed up with her doing math for an hour after school and then being expected to do another 20 minutes of it once she gets home. I signed off on the math and allowed her to move on to other subjects, however, she was in a foul mood. She never did tell me why. That evening, we went to have C's 12 year old pictures done and family pictures for Christmas. Everyone looked so pretty and I was really excited about it, despite C's negative attitude. I was surprised that the idea of the pics didn't cheer her up. She had been wanting to do them but nothing could shake whatever happened at school. She was picking fights (or trying to) the whole evening until picture time. WE took the family pictures first and at one point, the photographer asked her if she could give even a part of a smile. I was not happy to hear this as now I KNEW she was trying to gain control, make it known how unhappy she was, all by ruining the family pictures. That was the last picture as the shutter snapped adn then they were on to my son's 4 yr old pics and C's 12 year old pics. My son did great. All my tots did amazing! My 12 year old was a different story. When it came to her individual pics, she was refusing to smile and I stopped the photographer. I told C that I would not spend money on those so she would just need to stop and we would go. She said she would smile and forced a grin. I picked up my purse, told the tots to come with me and motioned to C that we were done. Suddenly she saw how serious I was and began to cooperate. Her pics turned out great and her attitude was better that point forward... but our family pics are not very good due to the attitude she had. Why she does this... not sure. It sure is often though.

Today was a decent day. She had early release adn then her detention. Dad picked her up to run an errand and then to open a bank account to keep her allowance in. She decided once the errand was run, that she didn't want to go to the bank today. She wanted to be sure to have time with me and the family before her church group tonight. So they will do that bank stuff another day. We are trying to teach her to value money. She has no idea of it right now.

This morning, C came bouncing down the stairs to announce to me that she "had the best dream". This was something to get excited about because C never remembers her dreams but she was so excited today because SHE DID. I was expecting something fable like- but it wasn't. She said that in her dream I took her out of school one day and announced to her that the courts said we were adopting her. We went home and had a huge party. She said, "It was the happiest day of my life, Mom." I hugged her and told her that it would be mine, too. I don't want to lead her on, but I have been clear about the fact she IS NOT MINE and may GO BACK, and she refuses to hear it. If she needs this hope of adoption to cope, I am not going to keep crushing the hope. I don't want to mislead, but I have not. I have been very clear. She just doesn't accept anything about going back as even a possibility. So, I hug her and cry with her and we pray together and both find comfort in our hopes to one day be a family. And if not- well, we will cross that bridge when and if we get there.

Sunday, November 2, Party at Jen's

Well, today started rough. Our alarm clock auto sets and so with most of our region changing to daylight savings time, our clock changed all by itself. This made us miss first service at church and C was confused by the break in routine. We explained it a couple of times and told her how the morning would go, but she didn't really gain any clarity on it until we did it.

We talked with C this morning about her rude and inappropriate responses and comments lately. We have implimented the dime jar allowance techniqu that J recommended. She wasn't thrilled about us doing it and wanted to know "why so many rules" but later in the day, when she was in a better mood, she seemed ok with it all.

We went to church. She did well there. We then went to Macayo's for lunch. It was not a smooth lunch but not bad... she just has a hard time some days with finding contentment with much of anything. COmplaining just comes so easy and being happy seems so hard.

She did have some down time in the afternoon while Dad and I took in the Cardinals game (go BIG RED!! WE WON).

We then headed out as a family to a travel party for some friends adopting from Africa. She wanted to be social, but clung to me with extreme affection. It was nice in a way, and inappropriate in another way. She just needs the reassurance that I am there and with her and not leaving her. No matter how much reassurance I give her, she has to be the center of my world, and I hers. We are very close. I love her and this, but fear for the fact that she isn't developing coping skills for trusting that she can deal with things with me away.

On the drive home, she asked if I could homeschool her. Stating her frustrations with school, she plead her case. I told her that I didn't feel it would be in her best interest, but I am also frustrated with school. She isn't succeeding there. She is frustrated. Any more, I don't know if public education is what is best for her. I am hoping that the testing they are doing now will help to answer this for me and her and all of you. I do think a smaller classroom size where they don't switch classes and teachers could really benefit her. I don't think me teaching her is best because it will just feed into the co-dependancy that she already has. Nothing that has to be thought too much on at this point but interesting ideas for going forward... also depending on what happens with case plan, of course.

Tonight, C had a hard time going to bed. She came out and stated she couldn't sleep. She had been doing much better so I let her have Coke at the party today. My mistake. That won't happen again. Poor kid. Anyway, we talked about her fears some tonight. We also had our first honest talk about her ADHD. She stated that she just wants to be normal. I told her that one day she may outgrow it but for now, we needed to deal with it. We all want her feeling better and she agrees that she isn't. So we are going to both the Endocryn tomorrow and the Psychiatrist. Hoping to get answers at both. She is trying to sleep now... hopefully will get there soon. She has taken her sleeping pill as usual, but the caffeine and sugar may still be working in her to fight it off. WHY DID I DO THAT?? The party was over at 6 and I just didn't think it would still be affecting her. DUMB!

About the CFT... I know we keep saying that we are planning it so C can come. I guess I just don't know why we would want that. She is emotionally 8 years old and not really able to handle any criticism at all. She is in complete denial of her reunification case plan and I don't know what good her being at the meeting would be served. How do you all feel on this? I don't want her to feel picked on by the people who are supposed to be supporting and protecting her. Especially me. We just now had our first honest talk about ADHD... saying what the teachers have said about her symptoms in school will only make her hate school more and feel more broken. I know none of us want this. Let me know your thoughts on this.

Hope you all had a Happy Halloween.

Update on School

I just wanted to let everyone know that I met with the teachers, Spec Ed teacher, Psych, and one other lady at school yesterday and they are officially starting the testing process to determine where the difficulties with school lye and how we can best address them. I was mistaken in thinking the process would be quick. I have been informed that we will know more as we head into winter recess. She is being tested in her IQ, reading, math, writing, socially, PT and OT. The PT and OT are due to her irratic movements while walking and sitting. I will be addressing these same movements further with the doctor on Monday. One teacher commented "I have never seen anything quite like it. She can't even walk straight." It is a serious issue for this young lady. She is constantly running into walls even. I don't know that it is an ADD issue, but perhaps neurological??? Any thoughts on this, team??

Sat, Nov 1st

Today was the day C was supposed to spend restricted to her room as a consequence for the trouble she got into at school. In speaking with the school further, we decided to allow her to write an appology letter stating everyone she should be sorry to for the event and to allow her out at noon. Her spelling was to be done, her room clean, and the letter written. It was like pulling teeth to get her on board as she wanted to debate the legistics of the letter. Finally, Dad firmly stated that it was this, or a full day restriction and she decided to do the letter instead.

She wrote a good letter, considering how difficult writing is for her. I wrote a letter as if I were her, too, knowing she would leave out a lot of people affected. When it was all said and done, we prayed and had a nice talk, agreeing that the subject is over and done. She came out of her room in a pleasant mood.

She also got invited by a church friend to go ride a REAL train today to Wickenburg. This is a licensed foster family that invited her and I was sure it would be a fun and safe event so she is out with a GOOD friend, as opposed to the ones she has found at school. I sent her with some Halloween candy to share and am praying she has a great time and connects further with this friend. I am also praying for the happy and wonderful C that we all love to be the one on the train ride for the adults' sake!

Halloween

C was a midnight fairy. She came home from school is a good mood and ready to have a nice evening... was excited to put on her costume. The problem came when the new case manager came and asked to speak to me alone, upstairs.

When the worker and I were finished talking, C was short with the worker and clearly irritated. Once the worker left, she was even worse, snapping at me and the kids. I got in front of her, made clear eye contact, and asked what was wrong. She told me she was upset that she was down stairs by herself and then the babies came down and touched her things. All I could do was appologize that the situation happened, and ask if we could move on. For a moment, things were fine. She was reinvigorated about trying on her costume and having me do her eye makeup.

We got everyone together and loaded up the car. We first went to a church carnival and then to trick-or-treat in Grandma's neighborhood, followed by a trip to the immediate neighbors in our cul de sac.

Her attitude went sour the minute we hit the car. She was complaining that we weren't going to any garage haunted houses. As if we knew where they were and would just change our plans to do it. Once at the church, she was very controlling and self centered. We had met my two neices and their mom there, which C loves. But she didn't want to stay with the group and we had to work to keep her content while still trying to have fun as a group. There was a lack of gratitude and a lot of complaining. It wore on me, and I stayed patient as I tried to get her in line.

By the time we got to Grandma's, she was in rare form. I finally pulled her aside and said that she either needed to get in with the group or go wait in the car. That the attitude needed to stop. "I don't have an attitude!" Yeah right!

We headed home with 4 tired kids and 2 wore out parents. It was fun for the little ones. They were oblivious to the struggles, but I don't think C really had fun by her own chosing. Sad choice.

October 30th, A detention gets sent home from school

Well, we got a call from the school principal today. Turns out that C had an incident a few days prior at school with some friends. She wasn't the perpetrator, rather the accompliss and instigator. She and a friend encouraged a boy to go and be with a girl that he liked, full well knowing the girl didn't like him. What is especially sad about this is that the girl that was victimized in this was one of C's best friends prior to this and yet she did this to her. No wonder no one showed up to her birthday party.

C said that when she did the instigating, she didn't realize that it would hurt the friend to the extent that it did. And yet after this, later that night at her church group, she did the same sort of behavior with her best friend from church.

Lastly, she didn't tell us about the incident. We heard it 2 days later from the school principal. WOW. That was not the mature decision either.

We talked with C at length about how we need to be able to see how people will be affected by our actions. She didn't want to admit to her responsibility in the situation. She also was put off by the fact that we were working to make her understand. She didn't get the gravity of the situation. We also talked about how liking boys is an intimate and private thing. It is a sensitive thing, or atleast should be. At the Wed night group, she is inappropriate in her engagements with the boys she likes. We talked about this as well.

At the end of our talk, we told her that being disciplined at school results in restriction at home. WOW did she lose it. We opted to hold off on her restrictions until Sat since there is Halloween but she FREAKED on us. Calling us mean and destroying a radio.

That evening she was with her grandma due to Dad and my's date night. We felt if we cancelled that she would be encouraged to miss-behave since she always acts out to one extent or the other to try and keep us home on date night. Anyway, poor grandma got it BAD last night. She was totally rude and inappropriate. Refused to do her homework, was fake crying, telling her what to do. Fortunately, I have talked with grandma at length about how to deal with this from her. Grandma did real good and half way through the night, C appologized and went on to have a good evening. Grandma was really bothered by the extent that her behavior went to this time. I will have to address it with C because though Grandma did well, she can not feel that there are no consequences for such behavior.

As most of you know, we got another email from school that C is not in control of her ADD at this point. She is a loose goose at the desk, constantly twitching and today was reported to not even be walking normally. I do see these same behaviors at home. We have an appointment on Monday to get her meds adjusted.

I meet the new case manager on Halloween. I meet with the school on Halloween.

Medical Update

Well, I left a note for Dr. P yesterday and didn't hear from him today. I told him that we really needed to evaluate a higher dose of the concerta. Though I didn't hear from him, I did hear from the school that C goes to and they are commenting that she is still twitching a lot. I know this is true. She has very little control of her body, but it just seems like more than ADHD to me. NOt that I know a lot about the condition. She does have a hard time focusing, but this is actual muscular control. I didn't realize the two went together.

Anyway, good news is that the lady at Fry's was able to finally put the script through. I called the number that A gave me for teh reimbursement for the expenses to date, so FINALLY, no more out of pocket costs for C's meds! PRaise God!

C family visit, Oct, 27

Well what a long day yesterday was. I knew it would be as soon as I had seen the email from B telling me that the appointment was set. She didn't seem too nervous about it as it approached, having found out about it after her party on Sunday.

I made it home from a Dr. appt just in time to pick up C and head to CPS. Well, we weren't supposed to be at CPS so running 5 minutes behind turned into 20 minutes behind, but we made it all the same. She was happy to see her siblings. I couldn't hear or see how it went but by her demeanor, I think it was relatively uneventful and she didn't end up with a headache or sick this time! Great news there.

Once the visit was over, we were driving to Mc Donald's to get a quick bite with the rest of our fam before heading home to homework. She had cried about how much homework she had while on the way to the visit, half nerves and half honest I assume, and was really upset that we wouldn't have family time for us after this day was done. Anyway, a quick bite at Mc D's and hopefully she could blow off some steam in the playcenter to help transitition her back to our world.

She was antagonistic the whole drive. She defended her bio brother sneaking a pet into the house. She was looking for a fight over absolutely nothing. I could see bottled emotions and she just wasn't ready to deal with them in a health way so I dodged the punches.

We ate. She played for 5 minutes and we headed home for school work. At the study table she mentioned how sad she was that she isn't being raised with her brother and sister any more. I could see the change in her as she spoke. I comforted her and directed her back to the mound of homework she was just beginning to tackle.

A quick shower later and into bed. I tried to bring up the conversation she started earlier. She does a lot of thinking in bed so knew she was already going there. She said that seeing her brother and sister made it harder. That she really missed them, especially A. She didn't seem to want to talk more so after story and kisses, we left the room.

Dad heard her crying. I went in... for 1.5 hours we talked as she SOBBED. She said how she was afraid that since she wasn't being raised with her bro and sis that they wouldn't feel as close to her and that when they were older, she feared they would chose to not spend time with her then. She said she was mean to them. She said that they never told eachother that they loved one another until she was removed. We talked about her faith in God. We talked about some good, honest goals to work on with Mrs. B... to speak on how she really feels about her bro and sis. It scares her to try and talk honest there because they NEVER did it. I told her she could teach them how by starting... we will see. Anyway, we talked about Grandma, bio mom, and of course, Uncle and Aunt. I asked her if she thought that maybe Uncle and Aunt (never now called Mom and Dad except to their faces) may learn to meet their needs better and then it might be best to live there and be with them and her bio sibs. She said NO- I will live with you and see my bro and sister. She has NO ROOM for this idea in her head and actually talks about living here as a fact. I think it gets her through the nights. Anyway, she purged. I listened and dried the tears. We prayed together...

And she woke up in a great mood today. You know she turns 12 today!!! 3 more gifts to open and then it is done for a whole nother year.

Thank you, Mrs. B for your support and for your understanding. I had a shoulder surgery last week and an appointment at 2 at that Biltmore area to have stitches removed so that is why we were late, not to mention the location change.

SCHOOL is not going well. I have an appointment with the teachers and psych this Friday to talk about a course of action. She is really struggling in every way.

Sunday, Oct 26th, BIRTHDAY PARTY!

Well, Friday was a sad day, though C wouldn't describe it as that. She had sent out 12 invitations to her party, not including the verbal invite to her two "cousins" which were obviously coming. This was the day of her Friend Party, from 4 in the afternoon until 7 that night. I had no one RSVP except for two friends from church (good girls that I like a lot). C thought that more were coming though I tried to brace her that they may not be. One girl showed on time. The other came 30 minutes late, and then it was just C, her siblings, and her 2 cousins. C asked "is this all that is coming?" I assured her that it was and that it was JUST the right amount to have good fun. She did have fun, but the fun was covered in a subtle disappointment as well. It is so hard to be the new kid at school- to be a kid whose ADHD isn't managed yet, and to have such a history that she shares all too openly. So much to work on with her, to help her adjust... but for now, she sees how her friends from her Wed night group accept her without question and how they love her because of who she is, not dispite who she is. She is a GREAT YOUNG LADY. It is so sad that more people don't look into her to see it.

Anyway, enough of the sad party and on to the GREAT party she had today. It was all starting at 3 and her family showed up- meaning my family and J's family. Her "uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents, great grandparents, etc" we all here for her. She was SPOILED with gifts and she was the classiest, most gracious birthday girl making this Mamma proud as she gratefully thanked each person as she opened the gifts. She ate, played Rock Band, made jewelry from a craft kit we got her and truly had a blast. Winding down for bed was running late due to all the excitement but the pre-bed chat went good.

I asked her if she had fun and she nodded with great excitement and said she had more fun at this party than the one with her friends. She was herself today, and had to fit in on Friday and it was obvious. She said she loved Rock Band and loved the gifts. She raved about the cake that Grandma had made her special to match her fancy napkins. We replayed the day in detail as I snuggled with her...

I told her about the visit with her bio sibs tomorrow. She nodded, not fully understanding what it meant. I didn't want to detail it out again- just told her she would get to see her brother and sister and she seemed unphased by it as I spoke. Who knows what she is thinking now that the lights are off and she is in bed. I am worried for her as to how it will go. She is expecting to sit and just visit with her sibs, not to hash out issues they have or have had. She misses them, especially her sister. She loves them. She is not expecting that they have hard feelings and she is thinking that they miss and love her, too... Could be hard to hear otherwise.

Anyway, since the big discipline we had, she is doing really great. She did stand firm over some yogurt today. She picks the silliest things to pull out her control card over... we worked it out and before dinner tonight, she ate it... but it was served for breakfast so I wouldn't say I was victorious but I was able to live with the compromises and for those compromises, I am grateful. I love this young lady and was SO PROUD of her today.

Monday, Oct 20

I met with the psychologist and team at school today. The meeting went well and the psychologist is looking to make a determination as early as Oct. 31st as to whether an IEP or 504 would be best for C. I have some forms to fill out and return and the teachers have further testing that they are required to do. They did say that they didn't have to do the full GEIT testing since the process was started at the other school but I know that no results were made or transferred so I want to insure that what ever direction the school proceeds in, is done with enough information to determine what is best. It all feels so casual.

Homework was interesting today. C took about 2 hours to do it but really did not focus on it. I think she could have done the modified assignments in less than an hour but chose to be distracted. Yes, I feel she did conciously choose to not focus. I even pointed it out to her and she said, I have nothing else that I need to do tonight. True, but why would she want to stay at that table for that long?? Perhaps because she can get my attention whenever she needs it while she is there? There is no such thing as too much attention from Mom. It really does drive behaviors. I feel like she is a bottomless pit at times that I just don't have enough to fill her up... no one does.

We had a good day. A great night! She is doing much better with sleeping. Those pills are good for her rest. She does need a higher dose of the ADHD meds if you ask me. She is less fidgety but still NEVER still. It is definately an improvement!

Tomorrow I have a shoulder surgery. It shouldn't be a real big deal but I will be in a sling in the coming weeks. Just as an FYI so you aren't shocked when you see me!

Sunday, OCt 19

Well, we went to a wedding last night and C got invited to her cousins' house for a sleep over. That turned out to be a great thing since it was a distraction and it seemed more like she was leaving us than the other way around. J and I were able to go and stay out as late as we liked without the worry of her waiting up for us. It was really nice.

We met up with her at church and she helped work in our four year old class. The morning was uneventful and I really missed having down time to snuggle with her. Once we got home and ate we decided to snuggle together on the couch while the tots napped. We were both tired, but I was the only one that flirted with napping while on that couch!

We went out for Chinese for dinner. C had it in her head from the moment she saw that the restaurant was empty, that it would be no good. She was a pickle during dinner, but I assured her that there was no other food for dinner and that it was the same stuff as Panda Express which she liked.

Once she got home, it took some coaxing to get her to play in the yard, but it happened. We played "Keep Away" from Daddy and she worked up quite a sweat! It was really fun. Though homework was supposed to happen during nap time, we had both forgotten so she hit the books at this point. I was cutting the tots' hair while she did that and once she finished (there wasn't much, just vocab), she asked me to cut her hair. It looks SO CUTE! It is about shoulder length. Super cute! I didn't think she would trust me to cut her hair but she was excited to!

It was a fun, family day and C did really well today. That optimism that she had yesterday wasn't there, but her extreme negativity wasn't there either. It was A GOOD DAY! A GREAT WEEKEND!

New Day, A new WAY!

What a GREAT DAY we are having. We woke up to an appology note at the door of her bedroom and she has been fantastic today! Maybe some clear consequences was just what she needed! She is happy, optimistic, and still without tv privelages. That is truly great and we are praising God for C's willingness to move beyond the power struggle!! YIPPPPPEEEEEE!!!! That was a HARD night and a few hard weeks leading up to it, but atleast for now, we have got our girl back!!

Oct 17, Friday

Well, I have decided to keep an confidential journal for everyone associated with C's case. I will check tomorrow to make sure this is ok, but I find that I am wanting to keep all the therapists and workers informed of the new behaviors that we are having in our home and I don't want to bog down their IN boxes. So here it is and hope I can keep it. Not to mention that it may be slightly therapeutic for me, as well!

Tonight was exactly what I thought I would get when we signed up to get an older foster child. The last week has been, actually. The first many weeks, about 8 to be exact, were so great that I had hoped we would never get to these behaviors. And yet, here we are. ( I am realizing that typing at night is going to lead to many typos, so I appologize in advance.)

So today was another day that she was just plain miserable. "Tired and bored" from having a half day with "nothing to do" but yet when offered something, she didn't want to do any of it. She chose to sit in front of the tv while I conducted my DDD appointments and the monthly agency appointments that are required. It has become quite apparent that any time she C is not the center of everyone's attention, she is miserable. And even then, if it isn't the way she wants it and on her terms, she is just plain moody and has a bad attitude.

We started the new ADHD meds today. They helped tremendously but I do think a slightly higher dose would do better. Later in the day she about fidgetted me right off the hammock. She is still squirmy, but not like it was. I had no idea that it could be THAT intense. And the odd part was, she honestly didn't think she was fidgetting. Shocking. Anyway, we are moving in the right direction there.

So I made a dinner she had requested. She reluctantly came to dinner (normal at this point) and opted not to put fruit salad on her plate or the bread. I put a very small spoonful on it for her and brought her the bread. She wanted "nothing (with an attitude)" to drink, only because I have asked her to try and drink more since her lips are so dry and she gets chronic headaches. The doctor was the one that advised this so in an effort to control, she doesn't want to drink, of course. Anyway, she was trying to completely disconnect from being with us at dinner so we shut of the tv. She didn't freak on us which was a shock, but obviously was less than thrilled.

She asked to be excused after rapid fire eating. I reminded her that she would need to take a bite of bread and try the fruit if she wanted to get any of the candy that D brought us earlier in the day. She said she didn't care (YEAH RIGHT!) so I excused her. She went outside.

After we finished up eating I joined her in the hammock and had Dad lock the door so that we could be alone. I joined her in the hammock and she seemed to perk up. Again, she loves to be the center of my world. I told her she was so close to get 2 of those fabulous candies, only one bite of fruit away... She informed me that she didn't like it. I told her that there was banana in it with yogurt on top and reminded her she chose to dip her banana in her yogurt (same flavor) yesterday... so it was the same thing. She asked if the babies got candy and I informed her that all but Lexi had finished and they were.

I went on to discuss how negative she has been and that I didn't understand. She just denied being negative. I asked her why she doesn't want to have fun with us and hang out (she told me that she didn't want family time tonight) and she said that she just wanted to watch tv. I reminded her that she was bored of tv... She asked why the babies weren't out with us. I told her that I feel like I can not win- if the babies aren't out, she wants them out. If they are, she finds them annoying. She then states that she didn't really want them out, she wanted them to come out so she could go in and watch tv. I told her that all I want is for her to be happy and make the good choices.

Anyway, I didn't lead on that I was frustrated, but went in to bring out the rest of the family. I told her that we were having family time tonight. That we missed her and that we needed to play together. The kids and Daddy joined us outside and it was ok. I pushed the little one's on the swing as C dug up parts of the yard, hoping she was doing something that we would find inappropriate and tell her to stop. We allowed it. She broke the shovel.

Daddy had to make a phone call and I got the idea to go in the front yard and let the little ones ride trikes so Celia and I could play soccer. The behaviorist recommended getting her to sweat after dinner before starting a night time routine. She asked why we were going in, again, only to be contradictory. I told her we were going in the front yard. All tots adn I were out the door and she stalled in every way possible... chosing to comb her hair for no real reason and make it known that she wasn't a willing participant.

We are out front and she is messing with the kids bikes. I get out the soccer ball and in a fun way, taunt her into a soccer challenge of keep away. She bites. So first she has to get it from me. She was laughing and smiling. Then I have to get it from her... and I do as she kicks it hard and it was just a race at that point. Still laughing and smiling and I was about to praise Jesus for this fun game when she decides to go get her drink. She does not return.

Dad comes out after his call and I ask him to get C from inside. Told him she is justing pulling out the power card. He gets her to come out but she wants to sit on the porch. I tell her she needs to come play with the family. She refuses. I warn her that if she chooses not to participate, there will be a consequence. We don't have our coins set up yet, so I am rattling my brain to come up with something quick. I tell her I will count to five and if she does not come participate, then she is choosing a consequence. She doesn't come so I tell her no tv tomorrow. She is mad! She said I was coming to participate. At this point, I didn't feel I could allow any further control. I told her that the consequence wasn't instead of playing, that she needed to do as she was asked. She still refused, so I led her into the house and calmly (as if I wasn't phased by the whole thing) asked her to go and shower.

So from here it got pretty ugly. She started mouthing about not wanting to and that it was only 6:30 so why did she have to. I entertained her question, telling her that as I had told her in the morning, that she was going to be early (8 instead of 8:30) because she made no effort to sleep last night and needed to get her body caught up on the sleep. "THAT ISN"T WHY" she said. I calmly assured her that it was and that at this point, everyone was coming in for baths. She SLAMMED the bathroom door. I opened it, asked her to close it like the big girl that she was because she has been doing this slamming and I needed to see that she was capable of doing it the right way. I counted the five times she closed it correctly and left as she crumbled onto the floor in angry tears. She was to take her shower and join us for lotion time and stories and prayers, etc as we do every night. I went downstairs to help Dad bring in the tots and when I returned to begin bathing my older boy, she was locked in her room and crying on her bed. I sent my son on his way to begin the bath water and talked with C.

I reassured C that I loved her. I told her how much I wanted her to make a better choice. I told her that I wanted to do lotion time and story time and enjoy her company tonight but that in order to do that, she would need to take a bath. She told me she wasn't interested. I told her that I was going to get my son's water started and that when I got back, I would hope that she would be taking a shower and that if she didn't, she would be making a choice of another consequence. Of course, I stalled, and came back and she was in her bed, no longer crying.

I gave her one last chance to go and take a bath. Then I told her that I could see she was ready for bed and that she didn't want to bathe. I told her I would get her sleeping pill and water and return. She was there when I returned. I asked her twice to take her medication, and she refused. I told her I loved her and that I hoped she would make better decisions going forward and left.

Dad went in once the other 2 tots were bathed and gave her a hug which at first she refused to give him. He asked her for eye contact and then told her how much we both love her and that it is because we love her that we have to have rules and ask her to obey us. He reminded her that tomorrow was a new day and that tomorrow is going to be a great day. She said it would not. He said that was her choice and that if she chose to obey that it would be a great day of fun, and if not, then it wouldn't be. But it was up to her. Of course, she likes to be in control and try to punish us with her attitudes and behaviors so I am sure that until this power struggle clearly has us in control and her as the submissive, there will not be many fun days for any of us though we are trying to not let her negative attitude direct the attitude of the home.

He said goodnight. She is kicking the wall to try and get us in her room to tell her to stop. She is making clicking noises... refused her sleeping meds (did I say that already) and we have decided to ignore any and all behaviors for the rest of the night. We don't want to give her any more power. The only other option would be to take everything out of her room and then she would just clap her hands or something like that in an attempt to disobey. She wants to disobey. But why? Control? Isn't it more fun to be good and do fun things?? It was at first. But not any more. It is like she WANTS to be miserable and bring us all down.

Anyway, I am sure there will be more tomorrow. We are supposed to go to a wedding tomorrow in which J is standing in it, and if I don't go, she wins again. If I do go, my poor Mom will have to deal with her. YIKES! Fun, right? She hates it when we leave. She is so afraid of being abandoned.

We are loving her through it. We pray for supernatural wisdom... and great instinct because no matter how many "tools" we are given, the situation is always changing.