Don't Know What to Do

I know I haven't posted in a while. It isn't because life hasn't been happening, rather I just haven't had the energy between kids, the move, fighting for variances, dealing with birth families, etc. I just am out of energy at the end of the day and with summer have no private time during the day AT ALL! So... it has been a while.

We are at family camp in California right now. The theme is New Beginnings which is ironic in so many ways and yet inspiring in others. Anyway, it isn't going well... started rough and by today, I am in tears and as broken as a mom can be. I am surrounded by mentally retarded, autistic, CP kids that all behave better than my 12 year old... and the wool is pulled over most of the eyes around us. Those that see the "true colors" have tried to comfort me and tell me it is "typical teen stuff"... if they only knew.

I love her dearly. Her Dad and I have decided to strip away all, and we mean all, of her priveledges when we get home. This means no tv, computer, phone, gymnastics, school clothes shopping, church camp, etc... starting with square one. If I thought this would actually work, I would be more excited about it. I honestly don't think anything will work. Do you know what set her off? She didn't pack enough shorts so was upset about one being in the dirty laundry. She complained about the time I woke her up, etc, etc... after lunch she asked if she could swim with "friends" and we told her that we were going to go kill time before building bird houses and then she could go... that pushed her right over the edge for the second or third time since we have been here. She "hates" us, is going to tell Beth, told a worker here that she doesn't even want to call us mom or dad (poor her) and refused to comply with not beating the walls when others were trying to nap. Then she started hitting herself in front of us, for attention and pitty. I told her I was concerned and that she would need the nurse to come and evaluate her and that she would need to tell the nurse how much pain she was in because we said she couldn't swim right then... said it real nice and she, for only a moment, thought wiser of it and decided to stop. But the attitude is unchanged...

She heard me crying and now is sweet as sugar. I am sure she now feels bad but she got what I think she wanted- me totally hurt and broken. She was going to stop at nothing until she got it. How do I keep doing this? How come nothing we have tried seems to help this cycle? She does great and then just turns SO NASTY. Is there anything that will help her short of a miracle from the Lord? How do I protect myself in this and my other three children??

Just so we are clear, we are likely not doing vacations with her for a long while. This is just not worth it... don't know how we will manage vacations going forward. Not really fair to the other three for them not to get to come and all the kids to have to stay with Nana. Not really fair to us to cancel all vacations... I think we should leave her with Nana and go as normal. Your thoughts?? This is the second vacation in a row like this and we were told in the car "that she never gets to go anywhere fun".

Any and all help welcome.